this is the story of a gurl…

It’s only a matter of time. Lets time heals the pain. Lets time erases the memory. Lets time console the heart. Lets time makes me forget the thing that i want to forget. Lets time makes me cant remember the person that i need not to remember.

Yes, i am avoiding. I am hiding. If that the only best choice left. I want to be invisible. Makes people forget about me. Forget how i look. Forget my laugh. Forget my smile. Forget my name. Forget about me. so that i can forget about the person that i want to forget. Forget about the person that i need to forget.

I try to act tough. Trying hard to act strong. Acting like nothing happened. Just like nothing changed. Being immersed in my world. Tormenting myself with workloads. Keep smile on the face. Never shade laugh from my words. Spending as much time with patients. Trying so hard to sooth the patients’ pain. So i can forget of my own. Trying hard to make them smile, so that i can keep smiling.

I want to be invisible. I wish i am invisible. So that u can forget my existence, and i can forget yours. So that u will stop looking for me, and i can let u go easily. Forget the pain. Forget the sensation. Forget the words. Forget the feeling.

I know i am the friendship spoiler, but that’s not something that i plan. Not even something that i want.

Pernah tak dalam hidup ni anda rasa sakit? kalau pernah, antara 1 hingga sepuluh, apa agaknya grading sakit tersebut?

Sy pernah sakit. Senggugut yang sampai tahap tak boleh nak tidur tu dah terasa macam sakit yg paling dahsat konon-kononnya.tapi sejak tiap2 hari duduk melepak di labour rum, baru la tersedar ada lagi bende yg paling sakit dalam dunia ni. Sakitnya nak bersalin…

"puan, sabar puan. istighfar banyak2.doa biar Allah permudahkan nak bersalin nih.bila sakit je, puan tarik nafas ikut hidung n keluar ikut mulut. jgn teran lagi sbb bukaan tak besar lg…" kata2 ni macam dah nak jadik dialog harian rasanya. hanya itu yg termampu nak dikata. dan sering patient bertanya kembali, adik dah kawin? belum. dan patient hanya tersenyum, cukup utk buat sy memahami bahawa dia sdg berkata di dlm hati yg sy mesti tak paham macam mana sakitnya bersalin tuh. dan sy mmg tak paham. yg pastinya sy tau sakitnya nak bersalin…

pengalaman bekerja di labour rum buat sy terfikir sendiri. besarnya pengorbanan seorang perempuan, isteri dan juga bakal ibu. selama 38 minggu atau ++ terpaksa mengendong fetus yg mungkin mencapai berat 4 kg, tak termasuk air2 amnionnya lagi. bayangkan… malahan dicucuk berkali2 kerana pregnancy menghadapi masalah dan sebagainya. tak termasuk semalam sy menyaksikan seorg wanita yg dikawal ketat oleh doktor2 kerana didapati menghadapi atrial septal defect (jantung berlubang) semasa menghitung saat menanti kelahiran anak keduanya. menunggu di labour rum bagi si ibu bagaikan menanti dua kemungkinan, hidup ataupun mati.

bagi teman2 seposting yg berlainan jantina, sy pasti mereka juga terasa kesannya. byk kisah yg sy dgr tentang doktor2 lelaki terus meminta epidural (ubat bius yg di cucuk pada tulang belakang) utk isteri mereka yg bakal bersalin. telah begitu byk penderitaan yg sudah dilihat, dan tidak mampu melihat ianya berlaku pada isteri mereka sendiri. sy juga kira suami2 yg menemani isteri ketika ‘berjihad’ lebih bakal menghargai isteri mereka sesudah bersalin nti. kerana itulah seharusnya yg patut berlaku.

bagi suami2 yg terasa ingin pasang wanita lain, sila2 lah rajinkan diri menemani isteri ketika hendak bersalin. belajar2 lah utk lebih menghargai wanita kerana pengorbanan mereka bukanlah sedikit.

Cuti yang agak panjang ini memang saya gunakan sebaik-baiknya untuk beristirehat. Menonton tv, membaca novel, bermain muzik, menjahit, serta segala perkara yang diidam-idamkan untuk dilakukan. Hidup tiba-tiba bertukar 360 darjah . Bak kata arwah Tan Sri P. Ramlee (sesuai dengan tema bulan seniman ini)… Dunia ini ana yang punya!

Namun tatkala keghairahan saya mahu mencipta rekod menonton tv tanpa henti, saya terus-terusan diganggu oleh suara-suara latar kakak saya. Mendengar segala rintihan hati, ujarnya. Maka dengan malas, saya berpura-pura meminjamkan telinga sambil mata masih tidak berganjak walau seinci menghayati lakonan Fahrin dalam siri drama Vice Versa. “Ko tengokla perempuan ni ila..Perfect! She got everything that women ever wanted!” … “nobody’s perfect”, jawab saya, malas. “but she is! Read this mag and look at her. She just so perfect!”, berapi-api kakak saya cuba meyakinkan saya. Tak cukup dengan nada suaranya yang begitu bersemangat, bahu saya ditarik-tariknya pula sambil dihulurkan majalah Eh! Yang baru dibelinya tadi. Dengan malasnya,tangan saya lambat-lambat menarik mag tersebut dan mata mula membarisi butir-butir di halaman mukasurat itu.

Tidak perlu habis ke ayat terakhir, hati saya sudah mula mengakui kata-kata kakak sulung saya itu. She is perfect. She has everything. Just everything! Smart, very beauty, already have anak 5 but the body is still ngam-ngam-soi. Bak kata orang-orang tua, macam anak dara! Lagi, punya suami yang sangat kaya. I mean it. Sangaaaat kaya. But the main thing is he treats and sayang dia seriously like a queen. And he’s perfectly romantic even dan bertahun lamanya kahwin. Until at the end of the article, when the writer ask what else that she doesn’t have? Dia hanya memandang jendela rumahnya yang berdepan dengan KLCC sambil berkata…saya mahu itu.

Hati saya terpana seketika. Rupa-rupanya kata-kata ‘nobody’s perfect’ itu wujud hanya untuk menyedapkan hati mereka-meraka yang tidak perfect seperti saya. Rupa-rupanya memang ada manusia yang perfect. Yang ada segalanya. Yang begitu sempurna. Permasalahan ini buat saya terpikir-pikir buat beberapa hari. Inilah masalahnya saya jika berdepan dengan sesuata yang begitu contradict dengan pemahaman saya sebelum ini. Mengapa ada orang yang begitu sempurna? Mengapa ada orang yang kurang sempurna, dan ada juga insan yang begitu tidak sempurna?

Tapi alhamdulillah.bingung-bingung kepala saya mencari jawapan akhirnya tejawab di suatu malam. Sesi YM bersama teman lama, Mr J akhirnya memberi serba sedikit petunjuk kepada persoalan yang susah payah fikiran saya reka. (terima kasih daun keladi!) Saya berasa tenang setelah satu persatu puzzle jawapan berjaya dicantumkan dan mula memberikan gambaran tentang hakikat sebenar kesempurnaan yang saya cari itu. Nyatanya, saya tidak ditipu dan tidak tertipu. Memang tiada yang siapa yang sempurna. Nobody’s perfect is still nobody’s perfect! Nyata kisah sempurna wanita yang saya baca itu hanyalah sempurna di mata saya. Dan mungkin juga sempurna di mata wanita-wanita yang lain. Nyata saya telah terlupa tentang erti kesempurnaan di mata Dia. Apalah gunanya ada segalanya jika tidak lengkap agamanya. Apalah guna sempurna serba serbi bila di sudut hati masih terasa ada yang kurangnya. Terasa kekurangan sesuatu dari Dia!

Dan saya mula memahami mengapa mereka-mereka yang dengan mata kasar saya lihat sebagai tidak sempurna (cacat anggota contohnya) begitu merasakan dirinya sudah cukup segalanya. Mungkin tidak sempurna, tetapi sudah cukup memadai. Mereka tidak berputus asa dengan hidup, malahan menggunakan segala yang Dia bagi seadanya semaksimum yang mungkin. Segala yang lebih dinikmati, dan yang kurang disyukuri.

Dan dari situlah datangnya kesempurnaan yang sebenar. (but still, nobody’s perfect!)

Rite?

Ilmu itu hanya akan bermakna jika kita dapat mengaitkannya dengan kebesaran Allah.

Jika dilihat dari segi kesihatan, banyak perkara yang membuatkan saya terkaku seketika bila melihat betapa banyak persamaan yang cuba Islam tekankan dan hasilnya diperakui oleh saintis dunia dalam memelihara kesihatan. Pastinya mereka melihat ini hanya sebagai perkara kebetulan or ‘by chance’ sahaja demi memelihara keegoan mereka. Namun, terlalu banyak ‘kebetulan’ seharusnya tidak dianggap sebagai hanya kebetulan, bukan?

1. Bersunat

            Hukum bersunat adalah wajib bagi lelaki Islam. Selain daripada bertujuan untuk memelihara kebersihan, kajian menunjukkan bahawa Penile cancer berkait rapat dengan mereka yang tidak bersunat. Dalam bersunat, lapisan luar pada glan (atau dipanggil ‘prepuce’) akan dibuang. Lapisan ini mengandungi kalenjar yang jika tidak dibuang, akan merembeskan ‘smegma’ yang akan berkumpul diantara lapisan prepuce dan glans of penis. (sorry ayat macam keling. Tatau camne nak interprate jadik mudah). Smegma ini akan menggalakkan pembiakan bacteria dan memudahkan untuk mendapat jangkitan kuman.

2. Tidur di atas lambung kanan

            Di antara sunnah Rasulullah ialah tidur di atas lambung kanan. Kenapa di atas lambung kanan dan bukan kiri? Rupa-rupanya, jika kita tidur di atas lambung kiri, ianya akan memberikan tekanan kepada jantung kita yang anatomicalnya berada di bahagian kiri dada. Jika kita tidur di atas lambung kanan, tekanan terhadap jantung dapat dikurangkan. (mintak map, tak pasti ttg tidur terlentang. Maybe kene carik lagi. Tapi tak ke macam buruk perangai kalo tido terlentang? =P )

3. Jangan tidur selepas subuh

            Antara yang ditekankan dalam kehidupan seharian ialah jangan tidur selepas Subuh. Selain sebab utamanya ialah ketika inilah pintu rezeki terbuka luas, pada waktu ini jugalah glucocorticoid akan dirembeskan paling banyak dalam tubuh kita. Glucocorticoid ini akan meningkatkan kandungan glucose (gula) dalam darah bagi digunakan sebagai tenaga. Namun, jika kita tidur waktu ini, gula yang dihasilkan hanya akan berkumpul dan tidak digunakan. Maka, akan memudahkan kita menjadi gemuk (haa…ni kira tips tanak naik berat badan la nih)

4. Haram berzina

            Berzina berlaku apabila lelaki dan perempuan bukan mahram melakukan persetubuhan di luar perkahwinan. Banyak hikmahnya larangan berzina, namun yang jelas dari kesihatan menunjukkan pengharaman ini dapat mengelakkan penyakit yang disebarkan melalui seks (sexual transmitted disease). Antara penyakit yang disebarkan melalui cara ini termasuklah gonorrhoea, syphilis, trachomatis, HEP B & HEP C, dan yang paling ditakuti adalah AIDS (virus HIV). Sehingga kini masih belum lagi ditemui ubat bagi AIDS. Sedangkan dalam Islam ada menyatakan setiap penyakit itu Allah turunkan beserta ubatnya. Adakah ini menunjukkan kotradiksi dengan apa yang Allah janjikan? Pastinya tidak. Bukankah telah terbukti bahawa ‘sebaik-baik ubat adalah mencegahnya’. Sebab itu dinyatakan dalam Al-quran  surah 17 bahawa “jangan MENDEKATI zina”.

5. Makan bila lapar, berhenti sebelum kenyang

            Cara makan beginilah yang diamalkan dan disarankan oleh Rasulullah. Mengapa sehingga cara pemakanan pun ditekankan dalam Islam? Untuk pengetahuan semua, kebanyakan penyakit-penyakit utama pada hari ini adalah berkait dengan cara pemakanan. Sakit jantung, kencing manis, obesity, kanser payudara, batu karang, batu hempedu dan bermacam jenis penyakit lagi yang sememangnya bepunca dari pemakanan yang tidak sihat. Mengapa Rasulullah mengatakan berhenti sebelum kenyang  dan bukan berhenti ketika kenyang? Sebenarnya badan kita mengambil masa beberapa minit (kira-kira 10 minit) untuk mengesan rasa kenyang. Kalau tak percaya, cuba buat. Kalau kita berhenti hanya ketika rasa kenyang, bemaksud sebenarnya kita dalam keadaan yang sangat kenyang. =P

Sebenarnya banyak lagi perkara yang boleh dibincangkan. Tapi disebabkan masa tak membenarkan (maklumlah, tengah bosan stadi week), maka 5 sahaja contoh yang diutarakan.Let us ponder together how great He is…

Just having a break of revising. Honestly cant give my 100 percent of attention in the adventurous of reading. The left part of my cerebrum was v.struggling to understand what Mr Robbin was trying to ‘bluff’ me about, whilst the entire parts of my brain keep forcing me to think about someone. I miss mak, for all the sudden.

She’s a headmistress in one of the school. V.well known with the ‘garang’ identity, which perhaps the most ‘unforgettable’ teacher one can have. I still remember when i was child, her students keep asking me on how i can bare with her. At that time, i was amazed myself. The answer was easy. I’m immuned.

Still remember the 1^st time i read out the storybook fluently when i was 4. Abah gave me a great hug, akak n akis also gave their v.big clap, whilst mak just reacted unreactly & keep ironing the clothes. Not more than 5 minutes later, suddenly there’s a tower of books in front of me. When my pronunciation was a bit crumpled for the 2^nd trial, the unremarkable anger & nag was received from her. Thirst, tired, regret & loathsome altogether united deeply in my chambers of heart.

She’s a perfectionist, i would say. The house must be clean each day. Which i mean, REALLY clean. Sweeping & mopping daily, clean the window weekly, bed must be ‘lapik’ with other cadar before sleep, no climb on the bed until the sleep time & thousand of rules that i simply cant remember. When dining outside, she would hidely sneak (just very deep-eye-sneak actually) to the restaurant’s kitchen. The floor must be clean, & bla3 which lastly brought us back to home, ate the mak’s cook. (however mak’s cook is the best!) That’s why dining outside was really unusual for me, until i entered the matric life.

Thousands of rules tt she listed & things tt she did, made me want to give up being one of the daughter at one point. Of course, tt decision came when i was having PMS where all the hormones jumble out in my vessels. I become an obedient child but v.rebellious inside. All the do’s & dont’s things really captivated me in an invisible cage, waiting an indepence key to open it up.

However, there’s a thing tt i still dun understand. The thing tt i still cant figure out what’s the reason. For all the abhorrence, my hand always reflexly holding hers when walking out together. Hearing her voice always be a pleasant to me. In every hard time tt i face, dialling her seems the only best way to be released out. Tears come out for no reason, but with a great relief at the end.  Leaving away from home, abah never fail to call every week, updating about me.  But still she’s the one who knew my life’s affair. & love affair i would say. The guy i was really crazy about, the guy tt broke my heart, the cinta monyet guy, with whom i’m going out, what activities tt i did & all kind of private stories become easily slip out from my mouth when having a chat with her. We dun actually contacting each others everyday or everyweek like most of my friends do. But once we spent our time together, most of my diary contents are revealed without filter. There’s no worry of being a liar coz i would share everything faithfully with her. Suddenly my only enemy become my greatest best friend.

I just realize unreasonably, how patient she was on entertaining me during child. Damnly wanted to go to gymnastic class (fortunately she resisted), behaving, wearing & chronically styling like a boy, wrote a letter to her & said i want abang, v.lazy to do homeworks, v.lazy to do houseworks, saying harsh words sometimes, keep giving homestuff to friends as a birthday gift & infinite terrible things which i myself could not imagine tt i did. Could not imagine how i would handle if one day i have a child like this. A stupido-histrionic-child like me. But I know how she managed to handle me. Coz she loves me. She loves me more than any words can tell. And tt’s why she never told.

when i was about to back to Kuantan recently, i hugged her as usual. Since the mode of Hari Raya still on, i begged her forgiveness, again. Unexpectedly, she gave me a big, long-pause hug that made us both almost cry. I looked away, trying so hard to not to cry in front of her. Few steps leaving her, my tears oozing like hell. i’m sure she was doing the same, for i am inherited the same ego from her. It makes me realize one thing. She might not be the best mak in the world, but she’s the best mak tt i ever had. And i ever wanted. And i love her like sea.

May Allah panjangkan umur mak & abah, forgive their sins, & bless them. For that’s what they deserved.  amin

Celebrating the month of independence day & yet a day more to go into the anniversary of 50^th Malaysia independence day, make me thinking to nag a bit about this event. I do respect the things that our past leaders made in order to make us independent, but frankly speaking i still feel like merdeka is just merdeka. Merely an event which people assemble & singing the patriotic song (with ‘mahu tak mahu’ inside), raising their flags at home and car which will be ‘dush’ somewhere not to be found on earth after a month of the celebration, big companies try to show their so-called responsibilities by sponsoring the mini or mega concert which attracts all the teenagers to come & with that tickets some of them take advantage by doing extra ‘project’ afterward (this is not an accusation, but the fact getting from the obstretic & gynecology department).

Ok, maybe i am too negative minded about all these things. Maybe it just me who think merdeka in that  way. Maybe there are some young people out there who really cry during the prime minister shouting the merdeka words. (ok, again this might be the extreme example). But still, i am wondering how am i supposed to celebrate it to show tt i’m so proud to be Malaysian, too grateful to be born here (or specifically in Hospital Kajang), too thankful to be able to receive the JPA scholar because i am Malaysian (& have a very great shopping moment though =)

I still remember the day when i had a little chat with nenek (before she was attack by stroke) that it is not easy to be independent. And i can see the spirit of ‘proud to be Malaysian’ glitter in her eyes, especially when she said that we should appreciate the government as there were the one who fight for our independent before, not any of the opponents (ok, i’m not trying to promote or against any party here coz it could be the big agenda as the pilihanraya is coming. I just QUOTING  what she said, as i know that JPA will not raising my scholar just because i’m saying this).

Another nenek of mine (whom i just called maktuk) also told me that she has to get married early (9 years young if i’m not mistaken) so that she will be safe from any of the communists whom notoriously known would rape any beautiful young girls, not married, single and available, long nice ikal mayang hair with the lesung pipit di pipi (hehe.. another melampau exaggeration). But that’s the truth. So, even though recently she has been diagnosed unprofessionally by me as having dementia or others of the family members as ‘nyanyuk’, fascinatingly she still remember the event of the merdeka & anything related with the merdeka things.

I try to fakely show that i am patriotic as others show (even theirs would be fake as well), but the non-hypocrite side of me says i could never ever be as patriotic as the old generations do. When they raising the flag, it means that they really want to raise the flag & totally proud to raise the flag. But if i raise the flag, half of the reason could be due to i am proud to raise it but  another half is because i get it free & dun want to be labelled as not patriotic by not putting it at the right place.

Maybe that is the action which hard for me to be sincere, but only Allah knows how much i am proud to be Malaysian. For me, being independent is not only raising the flag matters. If we want to appreciate what our past leaders had done, try to learn the history. As tomok also said that ‘sejarah mungkin berulang’. Show our appreciation by continuing what they had done. Study hard in whatever fields & try to return back to the community what they had missed. Serve the government back as the fact is u are serving to the community. Be a knowledgeable generations, not by queuing up when any of the  sing contest  is held (kalo mmg berbakat kira boleh mahapla, tapi kalau… ??)

After all, we had a lot of things can be done to show our patriotism. For Muslims, we can always show our gratitude by performing solat sunat syukur 2 rakaat instead of wasting sweat & bersesak2 at so-called merdeka concert. Btw, lets raise our flag together as the 1^st start!

kepala pusing. kalo nak bunyi mengancam sket, headache (errr..xdela ngancam mana). kalo nak describe pain dia, mmg sharp kalah pensel yg lepas kene sharpen. tapi maleh dah nak layan. malas nak jumpa doktor. segan sgt dah. baru setahun duk kuantan, clinical record aku maula nampak macam dah mastautin kat sini 25 thn. pastuh malas nak dgr lecture berjela dari doc pasal yg kunun2nya aku nih stress laa, medical student syndrome laa, itu & ini. tuh tak termasuk lagi dapat kelas tutorial free, dgn free2 jer kene dapat soalan latih tubi pasal stadi dr Doc. hish, bukan aku ke yg kene tanya kat dia macam2… siapa yg doc skarang nih pon tataula…

kalo aku wat differential diagnosis sendri, yg dahsat2 jela yg aku mampu listkan. brain tumorla, cerebral infarct (tahap melampaula nih), meningitis, migrain ker… hehe..tt’s why i’m still student.thn ke-2 plak tuh.so every ntahapa2 diagnosis is always be forgiven. tapi rasanya maybe sbb aku kecewa sgt dgn my last block result. gile punya teruk. even lulus, tapi mmg teruk tahap aku sendiri rasa terkedu lagi tersipu2 dpn Dr San2 time amik result tuh.nih btol2 terok tau. bukan terok guna kayu pengukur cik Timah (bukan nama sebenar),tapi gunu kayu pengukur cik intan bazilah. gila punya cubaan. cubaan gila2 sbb aku rasa blok tuhla yg aku paling rajin (paling rajin utk diri sendri laa..kalo dlm kelas , kerajinan aku ntah ranking ke brapa ratus ntah). tapi blok tuh gakla yg plg teruk dlm 1st yr aku. atau lebih tepat lg seumur idup aku kot. hailaa…

keterukan result aku tuh mmg wat aku berfikir gakla dalam beberapa hari nih. mmg slama nih jarang berfikir pon, berangan je keje. haha.. apalah silap aku agaknya. mmgla agak sebok last blok, tp buku aku mmg tak lepas. so bila berkira2, rasanya terpaksala aku mendropkan beberapa aktiviti yg biasa aku wat. give time for myself utk relax n stadi macam org2 len. mula2 igt nak drop kls gitar. walopon terang2an tak mgkn result aku trok sbb tuh. apala sgt 1 mlm jumaat setiap mggu. nak lipat baju pon tak sempat siap agaknya. tapi bila dah ditazkirah oleh mereka2, maka xjadila plak. sbb takut nti aku suffocated. benti buat apa yg aku suka, n last2 dapat withdrawal syndrome. bahaya. xpasal2 kene cold turkey plak..

silat? mintak maapla. itu…aku rasa kalo aku kawin nti n husband dok bising2 soh benti baru aku stop kot. heheh.. susahla nak stop..dah sebati dgn darah daging. ewah! (perasan gila..kalo mmg btol2 tere xpe gak). mode serius : itu last choice la kot aku nak wat. KOT. faci team? erm…tokleh gak. aku mmg suka jumpa dak2 skolah nih.  bolehla wat2 tunjuk tere time tuh. (dah lepas spm blehla cakap)ahhaha.. xdela..mmg serius seronok. borak2, kongsi pngalaman, suma mmg aku anggap mcm adek sendri jer..so yg nih pon masuk tong sampah. FMIG? too gud to let it go. segala keje design2 aku? erm.. mungkin bleh dikurgkan.. sbb kadang2 bila dah melimpah sgt, aku mmg jadik muak n morning sickness jadiknya. tapi kalo tahap ader mood tuh, tak tido 1 hari pon aku sanggup…

naya betol…jipang tahap gergasi aku nih rupanya. dah suma pon sayang, last2 1 apa pon aku tak lepas la camnih gamaknya. gaya macam nak derma 10 ribu kat org, tgn tgh hulur pikir pahala, tapi tangan pon dok tarik2 tali sbb fikir kalo guna shopping nih mesti best tahap tak igt. huh..dahsat btol..

xkesahla..xdpt distinction pon xpela..asal aku tak mati kesangapan kat sini, dok ngadap buku je keje. takpela kalo aku takleh jadik normal cam dak medik yg len, sbb aku nih mmg sakit congenital spirit defficiency sejak kecik pon. kene amik supplement selalu utk x hilangkn rasa fatigue ngan life. kalo aku ngadap buku lama2 bleh jadik anemic n mulala termengah2 dyspneic dek hypoxic. x kesahlaaa…

I’ve been thinking about this thing quite a long time. In life, many things happen not as what we had planned before. Almost everything. Like in Alanis morrissete’s song (betol ke eje nama dia camni), which the best part of the lyric said “it’s like rain on ur wedding day, it’s a free ride when u already paid, it’s a gud advice tt u just didnt take…” most of these things happen all the time.  U passed all ur exam excellently,ur name standing still in the list when there’s no one else get all straight A in trial exam,u already received the best student award, but when the real exam result was out & there r 25 students who get 5A, u just ‘mesmerized ‘ others by getting 4a with 1b in Penulisan. Ironic. Again, it happens most of the time & i always be included.

                Kalau tgk cerita hindustan, they always get mad to their gods if this thing happen. Kenapa bila tgh shok2 bercinta & it seems like u almost there to the peek of happiness, then find out tt the guy actually have brain tumor or etc. Then, the woman will go to tanah lapang, looking at the sky n shout “tuhan tak adil, tuhan tak adil” (hahaha..i already remember the scene coz it keep repeating the same way in almost every movies)… but as a Muslim, i believe tt there will be more than a grieve in every dissapoinment.  I still remember the scene when i receive the so called bad UPSR result.  i never see mak cry that way, n that makes me know how success i was in dissapointing her. I didnt want to  hang out with my friends due to malu yg teramat sgt, all my dreams to go to boarding school musnah berkecai. At tt moment of course my 1^st choice was to go to sri puteri, & my last choice wud be an islamic school. & of coz with tt result, i cant even enter tt excellent maahad school without guna kabel. But see, He always be the gud planner.The one & only. I cud only see the hikmah 5 years later. It makes me, me. The ironic thing make me here. Tt most scary thing makes me experienced all the greatest things in my life afterwards. I learn from my failure a lot. It makes me never regret for failing that exam.         

                It’s not only about the examination thing. It always happen in every aspect of our life. Like Piqa said, if xde tiba2 prob in silat organization skg nih, kita mesti dah jadik jurulatih. Hahaha… ironic things always make us regret at the 1^st place & building the false hope at the 2^nd place. Things happened, so why dun we just accept, rite. The truth is, there no such ironic things. in fact, this word shud never exist coz it doesnt exist pon. it is just a test, a test for the better. Like He said, life is a test n how could we claim tt we are the true believer without being tested. But He also promise tt in every camalities, there will be a benefit. The benefit tt we can only see when we think. Think & ponder. Think, ponder, be patient & never give up.

just finishing a marathon class with Dr San2.. if in last block, i remember tt i said ‘block with no anatomy is sooo membosankan’, but now i think to declare tt i said none of these. & i want to declare tt ‘block with soo much anatomy is sooo killing-me-from-the-inside-of-my-cerebral-part. (cerebellum ke cereberum?ntah..see..so hopeless of me). but the most best part tt i like in the Dr San2 lecture (of course not the muscles part), is when she keeps encouraging us to be patient. sabar2..it’s not easy to handle people’s life. but btw at the end, it worth the efforts. think back about the 1st intention why u are here & think back how nobel the work is. & let it be the driver of our declining passion. btw, life’ like tt.

         talk about patient… lately byk btol bende2 yg menguji kesabaran aku. everytime i’m doing my works in front of my lattop…tup! PADAM!  arghh… byk kali keje aku delay sbb buat2 padam. & takkanla stiap sentence aku wat nak kene save.if it wording works, i still can bare the tension. but if it came to the graphic works…adoo… sabar2…n when thinking to buy the new lattop suit with my current income, byk plak criteria yg kene amik kira. what kind of processorla, model apala, ader accelerator ke takla, n bla3… dahla sedia ade lembab byk dlm bab2 IT nih. so hv to spend hours starring at the lattop catalogs n reading all the nonsense abbreviations. sabar2…

          then when come to the study part (dgn semangat yg membaranya), all the books are open simultaneously. Moore, atlas, crash course, lecture’s notes, yadaa2… try remembering every single words with the rite pronounciation & spelling, but when it came to the tutorials, already "all gone with the wind"… mucsles of posterior compartment dah jadi medial compartment, artery dah tukar jadi nerve, femoral sheath dah jadi femoral opening. last2 ternganga balik with saying ‘terfikirkan ada terkatakn tiada’.

           btw, it’s quite seronok hvg life like this, seriously. this is not a rationalize thinking. at least i’ve experienced the disease called gastroesophagealrefluxdisease, i know how to shout ‘politely’ (as respect to my senior rumates yg tensen nak pro final year) when the lattop padam2, i know how to keep smiling when heard all the weird anatomical names, i know how to iron all the dresses in my almari when at tt moment the thing wanna do is throwing away all my books. n the most important thing is i know how to enjoy my life by not just restricting my self with books. however, life’s like tt…

1st weekend for new block always has its own syndrome. bangun lmbat, prasaan meronggeng2 yg meluap2, note seminggu tapi dah bleh occupy 1 file yg dibiarkan dgn selambanya bertimbun atas meja, have strong urge to watch akademi fantasia from the beginning until the end of the concert &…staying at cc for hours. heh… no wonder at the end of block, it also gives another klise syndrome (staying at room 24 hours except dah lapar gila nak makan, dok ngadap buku smpai berbaring, baca buku sambil berjalan <– things tt i always do bila rasa tense gila, dok termimpi2 about the exam).

            erm… talk about dreaming. lately, i feel quite insecure to sleep. not because of the ghost things, but because of my dream. how real it is, n how at the end it turns to be true. of course it is good in some part (especially when i dreamt about question pneumonia yg akan kuar n mmg btol kuar in pbq, n about my examination mark which when i received the mark from Dr Magdi, it gave me no more suprise). but sometimes, it can turn out to be bad. i still remember tt i dreamt tt 1 of my nephew will die (on tt dream, aku mimpi yg aku belikan baju utk both, but only 1 yg boleh pakai). only tt i did not know which one. so, i told my 2nd sister to take extra precaution, coz at tt moment dia yg ada byk prob time pregnant (bayi songsangla, the fetus did not kick la etc..) but at the end when both of my nephew selamat lahir, my nephew from my 1st sister rupanya yg meninggal. terperanjat sgt time tuh. n lebih terperanjat bila tanya kat my sis when the time naufal meninggal, rupanya sama btol waktu dgn jam tgn aku yg mati ari tuh. masyaAllah.. kebetulan atau…?

         i really want to believe tt all these things is just kebetulan, mainan tidor & sebagainya. tapi bila banyak sgt kebetulan, mula buatkan aku berfikir. mungkinkah hidayah atau petunjuk yg Allah nak kasi? atau mungkin juga petunjuk atau hidayah dr Allah utk menunjukkan yg aku nih kuat sgt tido? heheh

       btw, i dun want to think about this thing too much. it is better to think about so many assignments yg datelinenya makin dekat. design poster intrigue datelinenya… harini! (whut! adus satu bende tak sentuh!) seminar information datelinenya esok (ye ye… tgh carikla nih…) t-shit design msc datelinya…hari nih gak! oh tidak! sudah2.. kene stop skang. better go!