this is the story of a gurl…

I’m not a person who is good in expressing feeling. Not just not good. Maybe bad. Worse even.

I smile when i’m afraid. I kept silent when i’m mad. I look like ignorance even that i care. I laugh even that i hurt. Even that i hurt, so-so much.

Maybe there’s a problem with me. Maybe my facial nerve is not coordinated, really can’t control my facial muscle accordingly. Or maybe it’s my brain who’s not stern enough in giving order to my body. Or is it my heart? Hard like a diamond? Unbreakable unless the rite heat and material are used until it becomes breakable? Or is it my ego?

I met with someone totally stranger today. I never met her. But seeing her waiting at the balcony with the guitar at her side, really capturing my eyes for the 1st site. Forgot to mention. She’s wearing tudung. It making me remember how the odd looking people gave me when i did the same thing while i’m waiting my father at the bus station. Haha. Ok, back to her. Everytime i walk near to her, i heard she’s singing Yuna’s song. My favourite song: dan sebenarnya. So i just sat there while waiting my friend to come. And there the conversation began.

First, we just talk about music, until i received my friend’s phone call. Then i came back. And she said, “why are u keep smiling?” i am immune with this question actually, but when it came from someone totally stranger, making me freaked out for a few seconds. It must be that obvious, then. I said to her, this is me. And it is a big problem for me tt i cant change. Then she said. “It’s gud for u”. Coz for her, when she’s in mood swing, she just cant smile. At all.

I missed the chance to answer her as suddenly my friend appeared in front of me out of nowhere. So the conversation ended with waving exchanged.

But i really want to answer her. Really want to tell her.

Really want her to know tt how on earth i want to slam the door when i’m angry. How i want to stay silent when i’m afraid. How i want to cry out loud when i hurt. How i want to ignore someone when all left are hatred. How i want to admit tt i love someone when i do so. How i really want to hug someone to show how much i care. How i wish to not smile when my heart doesn’t. But i couldn’t. I just cant. I dun have tt much strength to express what i feel.

I simply dun know why i cant.

But i just cant. And i’m sorry for tt.